a new journey begins…..

I am officially sick of being sick! The being tired, the runny nose, the loud ringing in my ear and the sneeze that blows your entire body into whip lash! This time of year is so beautiful with the changing of the leaves and the crisp cool air. Its candy apple, kettle corn time at the county fairs! I mean I love it! I just bought some candy pumpkins to sit on my desk to get me in the fall mood 🙂 But..BIG BUT! I am not a fan of the allergies, sinus infections, the flu, virus and yada yada yada…I wish I was like a bear at times you know the whole hibernation thing..night night until spring! But then I think about all that we would miss out on. The GORGEOUS changing of leaves and all that I listed above.  OK…moving on Last night Richard taught out of 2 kings and as we were reading through it something jumped out at me.

2 Kings 5  9 So Naaman with his horses and chariots arrived in style and stopped at Elisha’s door. 10 Elisha sent out a servant to meet him with this message: “Go to the River Jordan and immerse yourself seven times. Your skin will be healed and you’ll be as good as new.11-12 Naaman lost his temper. He turned on his heel saying, “I thought he’d personally come out and meet me, call on the name of God, wave his hand over the diseased spot, and get rid of the disease.

I read this and thought to myself that is exactly how we treat Jesus at times. We say we want you to take our tithes and our works and our service (like his chariots and horses) and this is our way of presenting the junk in our lives to God and we expect some big elaborate flooding of blessings as He heals us or forgives us.  Naaman lost his temper and I thought back to so many times in my own life where I was so mad at God for not doing WHAT I THOUGHT was best in many situations. I remember thinking with such pride. “But God I have worked in youth, I was obedient in this or that, God I gave the homeless this”  REALLY? REALLY?  God requires our obedience not our sacrifice. He wants our hearts. I have had a really bad week this week. Yes sick, but more than that. I looked at some pictures from this past weekend’s event and I felt the tears rising up in me. I just stood on a stage telling all these girls how beautiful they are and how they are made with a purpose (Ephesians 2:10) and yet I HATE MY BODY….how can this be? Its not about self image anymore I really don’t care about how others perceive me and being in love with Jesus is where my heart is truly. But I saw these pictures and I THOUGHT WOW! I can’t believe you have let yourself get this big. Now before you go judging me. I remember many nights fighting the temptation to NOT eat the junk food or over eat and yet I would always cave in. I choose unhealthy foods and I choose not exercise. I try to mask the whole weight thing with accepting who I am, but God didn’t make me  over weight I DID. We tell people “don’t get drunk” or  “don’t steal” blah blah blah but somehow we forget that overeating and being a complete glutton is also not honoring God. So…  I am starting today with a new outlook on things. I am asking for a lot of prayers as I begin a journey that won’t be easy! I am asking for accountability and for encouragement.  Last night during worship I went in the girls restroom got down on the floor and just begin praying that God would help me with this. I stretched my arms to the sky and said I CANNOT do this anymore. Yes I am beautiful but it’s a heart condition. Pete Wilson said ..”Following Jesus is not about Behavior modification its an issue of the heart”   I understand that more than ever! I do follow Jesus with my worship, my time, my life, UNBOUND and more but my heart hmmm yes I love Him but with my whole heart? My body says otherwise. He  has called me to speak to girls about who they are in Christ, and how much He loves them, and how they have a purpose in Him.  But I now feel its even more. I want to live life to the fullest 🙂 Jesus has healed my broken heart and freed me from the bondage of self image. Its not that anymore….I am no longer a robot to how you think I should live my life, worship, or act. It’s now about health and honoring God by not overeating or treating my body with such carelessness. I want my kids to see me for a long time and if I continue on this path then diabetes is on its way, heart conditions, and it will paralyze my lifestyle.  Thank you for allowing me to be real. I think that being transparent and vulnerable allows God to do HUGE things in our lives because its no longer about what we can do but what HE WILL DO THROUGH US! thanks again…

here we go….


3 thoughts on “a new journey begins…..

  1. You’ve got yourself a prayer-partner as you embark on this new adventure. I struggle with weight, too. I am currently trying to EMBRACE a bigger version of me. I wish I didn’t care about how other people view and judge me. But I am NOT THERE. I care. I am just trying to NOT CARE. I guess that sounds wacky. But I am so tired of feeling insecure and down about my extra pounds. And i am so tired of dieting. So tired of talking about diet. So tired of arguing with myself about what to eat! Anyway— all that to say I “GET IT”, and I pray for your strength and determination to be multiplied. Blessings! Tracey

  2. I think the deal is that Satan uses whatever our struggle is, be it weight, finances, hatred, pride, sexuality, and puts a magnifier of lies in front of us. I love how Searching for the Beauty Within is moving beyond just the recognition that we are struggling into yes we are struggling, but struggling to get out. We want girls (and guys) to realize God’s wonderful blessings that He’s promised us. But, that doesn’t mean we aren’t still us-humans, women, mothers, friends, tired, imperfect. I can’t understand God’s ways. Why sometimes when we things are exactly as they should be, they change. Why people can’t just focus on God. Why?Why?Why? But, I want us to understand what matters, that He’s fully aware, and more than that………..He cares, He loves. I love you. I’m praying for you healing in every way. PB&J is gonna be awesome!

  3. I can completely relate to how you felt when you looked at the pictures of yourself from Beauty Within because I feel the same way everytime I look at a picture of myself. It is a constant struggle. I love taking pictures over others but when it comes to people taking a picture of me I hate what I see when I look at it. A lot of times I want to somehow control it so I can fix it or something or I just avoid picture of myself completely. I know God thinks I’m beautiful but your right he did make me overweight. Yes I’ve been on the big side since I was a little girl but that was because I really didn’t care about being healthy and I still really don’t. I have no will power but hopefully if I just give it all to God he can help me have that will power to make myself better.

    Holly I love this blog and I will pray for you in your struggle. Honestly I think the picture of you speaking with that amazing look on your face is very beautiful because it shows whats in your heart. Thats one of my favorite photos. When I saw it going through the photos I knew I had to post it because it really captured you and your passion for what you are doing. Thanks for letting me be a part of the Beauty Within because it really was a great event and it really spoke a lot to me too.

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