Today is Monday the 26th…………….
So much has taken place this past week. I feel as if months have past…I am tired, and just simply worn out. Last Sunday my mother n law went into hospital and everyday has drained me to the point of exhaustion. Sitting at the hospital can make you go crazy and lose track of time and reality. Monday was a tough day because she was diagnosed with pneumonia and Pluracy and we were seeing the lung disease come full circle, Tuesday she was so out of breath that she couldn’t even stand, Wednesday she seemed to be doing a little better but was a little more emotional and wanted to talk about deep things,Thursday I went to an amazing event at our church and I could barely worship because I was so emotional! It was amazing, and I am so glad I went. Richard’s good buddy Scott came over for a while, for support and to just hang out, so when I arrived back home I called his mom to check on her and she wanted Richard at the hospital right then and he didn’t return until around 12 and cried in my arms for so long he fell asleep. Friday Richard and I met with Hospice and didn’t leave the hospital for 12 hours, Saturday, same thing but we did leave to take the girls to the drive in to see Narnia and I cracked my tooth!,Sunday I was so tired I couldn’t even concentrate in church I tried so hard to embrace worship, and to truly take in what Roger was preaching about (I needed it)Yesterday was also my anniversary (12 years) We went to Belmont and ate and then went to the movies, Gina kept the girls for us and we drifted off to sleep around 11:30, we woke up around 10 had a couple cups of coffee on the porch and just talked and then headed to the hospital to see Janice before Meagan’s graduation party……………..
I am so tired, so exhausted and just emotionally drained. Rebekah and Rachel questioned us tonight about seeing their goudy one more time. Richard explained it to them so well and they seemed to at least take it in. Death is so complicated. Janice is so scared of dying, and her anxiety gets the best of her when she is around anyone other than a very few people. Pastor Creal from First Assembly has been so amazing, he has seen her everyday and today he sat down with her and read Psalm 23 and went through it with her. He is so special to her and has really impacted her this week. I am so thankful for him. Richard and I have really talked a lot about his child hood, his lack of a father figure and all the committment and sacrifices his mom has given him over the years. She truly is an amazing woman. She has taught me what validation means and I expressed that to her yesterday. She told me she was trying to let go, but it was so hard. She told me to tell so many people how much she loved and appreciated them over the years. That is so hard! We often take for granted the things in our lives and most importantly the people in our lives. and just like that….they are gone. Richard and I have been together for 16 years now, and throughout these years I can honestly say she has NEVER said one negative thing to me or even to the girls, I mean NEVER! Always encouraging their curiosity, their imagination, their creativity! She didn’t care about messes, dirty finger prints, explosive cookie messes, flowers dripping with water,dirt tracked through the floor, she embraced life and has fully lived! Her life has been so hard, living in an orphanage, divorce, abuse and more. All of these events have molded her into who she is now! I love her and I am going to miss her so much! Please pray for our family, including Rebekah and Rachel their hearts are broken, and Richard is so sad and just tired! So as the week continues…….. we will meet with the family 2morrow to establish a schedule of who and when each one of us will be with Janice as she makes the transition from the hospital, to her home to spend the last week,days,hours,minutes with those around her. I am scared, and I am worried, I am stressed, and I am frustrated! But I have to allow God to move in this situation and look for His purpose in it all. This morning when I woke up and prayed for God to give me some relief and some peace… my friend Erin had called and left me a message tha she had me on her heart and told me to read Habakkuk 1:5 and to cling to it….
5 “Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.
With all the questions and all the fear of whats to come, I will hold this verse to my heart and embrace that God has me, and is holding me tightly in His arms.