Losing my grip………..

“If God gives you a dream, and the dream comes to life and God shows up in it, and then the dream dies, it may be that God wants to see what is more important to you-the dream or him. And once he’s seen that, you may get your dream back. Or you may not, and you may live the rest of your life without it. But that will be okay, because you’ll have God.”

This quote has pierced my heart to say the least…… I am beginning to see that my “vision”, my “dream” and my “passions” can also paralyze me! I sit day after day at a desk doing meaningless paperwork, and things I don’t want to do! I WANT to be at my church ALL the time. I WANT to be in full time ministry, I WANT to be speaking to teenage girls everywhere about finding peace and joy and approval through Christ alone. I WANT to travel and meet people and love them and meet their needs. I WANT to be used by God in ways I can’t even imagine, I WANT to be rid of constant guilt about not using my God given talents fully….Now you say wait, you want to be used by God, you want to change the world, you want to surrender and be obedient to your calling, that doesn’t sound so bad. But if you look back at every sentence they ALL start with I WANT! How selfish am I? I do so desperately want to be used by God, but I have to learn to wait on His timing and HIS way alone! My heart does burn to speak to girls about self image, and validation and approval but if God isn’t in the very center of my dreams and driving those dreams I have to let go of the grip and allow Him to take those dreams NO MATTER WHAT. That is so hard and so NOT FAIR! But God is God and He designed and made me to be used in the way HE WANTS! My cousin and I (Gina) are so close we might as well be sisters! I tell her everything, and I keep her secrets and we share our unfulfilled dreams, we laugh, we cry we hurt and yet we are begging for God for change to occur! I was sharing with her the info about my mother -n-law today and how torn I am, because of wanting her to be healed, yet knowing that her poor lungs are gone, along with her heart. I WANT her to live because Rebekah is going to really go through it…yet again I am selfish! I want her to suffer in order for me not to have to hurt?…….When we begin to see God for GOD than the junk in our lives seem to surface and you want nothing more to be blameless in His presence.  I told my friend Erin today that I am so sick of my job, and she said quit…….I really didn’t know what to say, but I went with the “can’t afford not to statement” I took God right out of the equation, without a second thought. SELFISH! I want things, I want my kids 500 pictures a year, I want soccer, dance, nice car,cute purses, shoes,nails,groceries galore,nice furniture….how selfish am I?  I have been reading so much about seizing every moment, and realizing that every moment can and should be a divine moment! I don’t seize those “moments”  unless it somehow benefits me! If I want to feel good, and know that I have accomplished something, that I will ask “do you need help with those groceries maam” but if I am in a hurry and need to fulfill my own needs, well you better move it or lose it sista cause I got somewhere I need to be……again SELFISH! I hate that in the midst of my desire and passion to be used by God that I have realized that what I WANT may not be what GOD DESIGNED for me, or even more that dream may DIE because I say one thing with my mouth yet I haven’t fully relied and surrendered my dreams to Him. WOW! Gina sent me this 17 page section from a book by the dude that created veggie tales and I sat at the end of the 17 pages dumb founded! the quote from the top is from that book………I have got to let my dreams go, slowly and painfully allow God to strip me down to the depths of my soul and see the motivation and drive behind my dreams, and if they aren’t His dreams, or if I am wanting fame and fortune than I must be willing to let them GO……….Abraham was willing to give up his son by stabbing him just to obey God and prove his love and loyalty to Him.! God just wants our obedience WHOLE heartedly……….My lesson on Sunday night was about Jonah and his stubborn selfish self! and boy can I just say……..HOW RUDE! I mean he turned the opposite way from the very thing God called him to do. I want God to speak to me….or do I? Jonah got mad and pouted and yelled because he knew if he spoke to the people, things would change! I have to decrease in order for HIM to increase. Less of me MORE of Him. Selfish no more…..selfLESS! No longer am I going to complain, whine and beg God to use me in GREAT and Mighty ways. No longer will I beg God to let me change the mindset of so many people that I am around weekly, No more am I going to beg God to open great doors…. I am going to just walk with God…..just me and Him. I am going to read more, pray more and just wait…………..

Jonah 2:7,8  “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you Lord, and my prayer rose to you to your Holy temple.  Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that COULD be theirs.”   ( a dream/vision can be your idol)

Psalm 42:1 “As the deer pants for the streams of water, so my sould pants for you, O GOD”  ( more of HIM less of ME)

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” ( He was willing to embrace me when I was NOTHING)

Am I ready to realize that until I am ready to have NOTHING but my love for Christ, my dreams and vision to be used in great and mighty ways are USELESS! and will only take me further away from the very one who gave me those desires and passions………….so is it the dream or Him that I have my grip on? huh  good stuff:) thanks Gina! 

Read 2 Kings 4! amazing!


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